It’s February!!! Do you know what that means?! Valentines Day. The one day out of the year where the pressure from society put on you to deliver is equivalent to the pressure of a crowning baby during labor. If you’re like a majority of men, I’m sure it’s the day or two before Valentines Day and you’re suddenly hit with the realization you haven’t gotten me anything. Or if you have, maybe you’re freaking because you feel like you haven’t gotten me enough. Instead of running out to the store for some insanely overpriced flowers, please let me help make your job easier for you.
Here’s a list of what I would love for Valentines Day.
1. For everyone to leave me the hell alone.
Let’s let that sink in for a moment, shall we?
I want to be alone. That’s it. Simple, yeah? But come’on, let’s be real. As simple as it sounds making it actually happen may be difficult for a number of reasons. Don’t let Hallmark reel you in, my dear. Please. I promise you I don’t want a $5.00 card filled with a generic, mushy poem you’d never in a million years write yourself, and will ultimately end up in the trash in 7 days tops. The thought is sweet, but no. Save your time and money. I don’t want flowers because I have enough shit to try and keep alive. I maybe would want a massage. Maybe… Just kidding, don’t touch me; I’m touched all day.
I love you. I love the kids. But you know the number one person I tend to neglect? Me. And this mama wants to be alone in my house for at least an hour or two.
A long, quiet poop followed by a hot steaming shower.
Sleeping in while you take the kids to brunch.
Watching my favorite trashy TV show on the couch, in my underwear, with a corn dog in my hand.
Reading a book in bed during the afternoon.
Drinking a bottle of wine in the evening while petting the dog.
Or just sitting and staring mindlessly at the wall (Don’t worry. I won’t judge if you do.).
I imagine being alone in your own home is as frickin’ great as being a unicorn is; an elated, fabulous, ain’t gotta listen to no man or kids, I do what I want, unicorn.
… I’d be lying if I said I hope the kids will be good for you, too. Because let’s face it, I’d feel immense pleasure if you experienced an inch of the tantrums, stress, and difficulty that is wrangling the kid(s) alone. The difficulty that is my reality. Not to spite you, but to help you understand and empathize better. Misery loves company, am I right? Ha!
*hugs and kisses*
Whatever you get me is appreciated, I don’t want you to think it isn’t. Just know that I’m not as complicated, or difficult to please as you may think. I don’t have this romanticized idea of what Valentines Day should be; just some time alone, and quality time with you and our family.
And don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you. Just know that whatever alone time you give me to put back into myself may or may not influence the woman I am at the end of the evening.